trying to define and remain single

I am nervous. I am a virgin blogger and my ex-boyfriend is driving in from out of town to see the City and stay with me (all his other friends have, um, moved away); he is due to arrive in about 10 minutes. Although not thrilled, my current boyfriend is "okay" with ex-beau's visit as we are striving to have an open, honest, mature relationship. At any rate, I am determined to get this post up and out (is this correct blog jargon or blargon, if you will) before the weekend drags me away from any productive activity.

Okay, so what is "single" anyway? I discussed the definition of this word with a friend (all right, it was singly blessed) and disagreed whole - oops had to run check the door - thought I heard a-knocking but I was a-mistaken - heartedly. Below is the Merriam-Webster online definition of single:

sin•gle
1 a : not married b : of or relating to celibacy
2 : unaccompanied by others : lone, sole
3 a (1): consisting of or having only one part, feature, or portion (2) : consisting of one as opposed to or in contrast with many : uniform (3) : consisting of only one in number b : having but one whorl of petals or ray flowers
4 a: consisting of a separate unique whole: individual b : of, relating to, or involving only one person
5 a : frank, honest b : exclusively attentive
6 : unbroken, undivided
7 : having no equal or like : singular
8 : designed for the use of one person only

I particularly like 1.b. because when I am entrenched in a long-term relationship (the closest thing I'll ever come to marriage), I pretty much redefine abstinence. I'd rather curl up with a good book than my man of x number of years; at least I don't know what will happen in the novel. I am "frank and honest" so at least that one applies but I especially like "individual" and "singular". I was fully prepared to write a post about how single is a state of mind (joie de vivre and all that jazz) - a commitment to freedom - an anti-marriage contract with yourself. Then someone killed a neighbor's wife (who I never had the pleasure of knowing) leaving their child motherless and the man suddenly single, and I realized it is certainly not a choice.

The truth is we are all single. We are born alone and die alone and ultimately we survive everything in between truly on our own. Consider the abused spouse, the mother of a special needs child, the suicide widow, the abandoned mom with four children. These women are single whether they are married or not. What of the living separate lives together sharing nothing but shelter scenario? Single. The reason I choose not to marry is because I don't trust it. Better to remain without legal entanglements - independent, footloose and fancy-free even in a committed relationship - than to trust someone or something that ultimately can disappoint you leaving you more vulnerable and weaker than your previously strong and powerful single self. I don't shy away from love - hell, I love them all - but marriage, as Chris Rose likes to say, fujitaboutit.

The trap of marriage for the female promises a life sentence in dedication to other people's lives. The addition of rugrats assures that a woman can enjoy perhaps waking up emotionally alone but with the added bonus of the eternal trappings of a husband who takes her for granted and a throng of snot-nosed kids to order her about. Er, mmmm, no thanks. Even in the better relationships, it's a Shawshank I'd crawl through sewage-infested waters to escape. For the thinking woman, single is our constant state. Why give up yourself for a prison that offers you no stability and weakens you in the future? At least in the pokey, they provide three squares a day and guaranteed shelter - not necessarily so for that abandoned stay-at-home mother of four.

At blogher.org, they recently discussed Married vs. Single women bloggers which inevitably led to comparisons between the two in general and sparked up conversation of a female president (in this case Condi Rice who is single) and whether she could handle the Oval Office without the support of a husband and family. I disagree with blogger Morra Aaron:

I don't presume to know about Ms. Rice's support network and personal life, but how could one run for president, the toughest job in the world, without the kind of support that only comes with unconditional love?

However, I fully embrace the "Wow" comment by lauriewrites:

We can no more lump all "single" women together as lacking unconditional love or anything else than we can lump all married men/women together as being lucky enough to have it. This is what educational jargon calls a "deficit model" (love those buzzwords...) It's not about what a woman (who happens not to have a LEGALLY binding relationship, perhaps) brings or has or is - it's what we assume she hasn't got because she doesn't have a (again, LEGAL) partner.

Recovering from the ex-boyfriend visitation (obviously I did not manage to get this post up before the knock came at the door), I do realize one major difference between married and single women putting aside for a moment my abstract painting of our steadfast singular state. If I was married, I don't think my husband would be as copacetic as my current man is with having the ex-beau blow through town and stay with me. Logistically, it would be different since marrieds tend to live together while my man and I are not currently cohabitating. The truth is the former lover's visit improved my current relationship as it reminded my man that I may not always choose to be with him and he best remember this and not take me for granted. It makes me wonder how married women convey this.